When I was 23 I knew I wanted to be a Mom. Ten years later I'm not so sure. Did I miss my window?
As more and more of my friend's move on to Mommy-hood, I've slowly become one of the last ladies standing. To have a baby or not...well that is my question. A question I ask myself hourly. I keep hopping that somewhere deep inside me the answer will yell out. Maybe hypnotism will help.
At the heart of my issue is whether or not I am prepared to trade everything I have for something new and unknown? My life with Ricky is so wonderful, will a child change that? Of course it will, all of my Mommy friends say so. But they also say things like: you change together, it's wonderful, it takes work but it's worth it. I don't doubt it. When I see happy families frolicking in the park my heart pangs with 'want'. When I see kids fighting at the tile store, my brain says, 'fewff'.
I know this is one of life's toughest questions. I just wonder, if I am wondering so much, maybe my answer is right there in front of me. Maybe it's no. Just typing that makes me frown. I feel like a female failure. A genetic misfit. Slaughtering all dreams of cradling my baby, walking hand-in-hand as a family, being a parent with Ricky...
One day soon I will need to make that faithful decision: to stay on the pill or stop. It's not to say I will get preggers asap (chances are it will take me years), but by stopping I am shelving my doubts and moving into the unknown. If I were 23, I wouldn't have to make this decision, but today or someday soon I really do...for serious.